First, I would like to thank the people who sent comments about my first blog post. You have encouraged me to keep going, and it means a lot to me that you took the time to send your kind words.
Today I was walking through the park and came upon a father and his young daughter. As I approached, I heard her say “Daddy why are you so sad?” And he said “I have to take you home to your mama soon and I’ll be missing my little girl again.” She said “but right now we’re at the park so let’s slide!” and she ran out into the playground. It reminded me of a time when my daughter was young and I was tired after a day of work. She came up and said “Mommy, you have to come outside and look at the clouds.” I said, “Honey I’m tired, there will be clouds tomorrow” and without missing a beat she said to me “not THOSE clouds!”
Children have an amazing ability to stay in the present. Nothing is more important than what is in front of them now. As adults we become so preoccupied by completing our “to-do” lists, worrying about the future or obsessing about the past that we miss what is happening NOW. We can’t take back the past, it is done. We can learn from it, we can fondly remember it, we can erase it from memory but we can’t get it back. The future is not a given. As I have discovered all too often in life, the future doesn’t always come for everyone. We can make plans, we can look forward with anticipation, we can look forward with dread, but all we are guaranteed is this moment. I’m not saying we should not plan for the future, of course that’s a necessity. But worrying about what’s coming or what has already happened robs you of the time you have now.
How do we stay present? It seems like it should be an easy thing to do, but once I decided to practice staying in the moment, experiencing only what was happening in the now, I realized how quickly I could be drawn away. One of the things I do to relax and get exercise is to walk for 30-60 minutes each day. I would make a conscious effort to observe the different flowers and trees, the smell of the air, the squirrels in the trees…but by the end of the walk I would be mentally composing next week’s grocery list or going over what I hadn’t completed at work that day. Learning to re-direct my brain was, and continues to be, an ongoing process. I can tell you I haven’t mastered being “in the moment” all the time, but I’m able to do it enough that I’ve noticed I don’t worry much anymore. I have given myself permission to anticipate the good stuff, but not the bad stuff. For example:
-The holidays are coming, I can’t wait to bake cookies and visit with cousin Sue!
instead of
-The holidays are coming: how am I going to buy all the ingredients to bake cookies when I can barely pay my rent & when will I find time to clean the house and what if cousin Sue doesn’t like our cat?
-We got a great deal on a vacation – can’t wait to go!
instead of
-I hope I remember to pack everything, I hope we don’t miss our connecting flight, I hope they don’t lose our luggage, I hope the weather isn’t bad, I hope we don’t get sick, etc.
It can be difficult in the age of social media and instant connectivity not to be swept up into collective worrying (remember the Ebola scare?) or to have your attention diverted from the person you’re with by responding to an instant message or text. Have we all seen the video of the girl who fell into a mall fountain because she had her eyes on her phone instead of straight ahead? When we are not committed to being fully present where we are, we can miss what is truly important.
A friend of mine came to me not long ago with the grim news that her husband had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. They had recently purchased a house and had two young daughters to support. Her company had announced upcoming layoffs and although she did not yet know if she would be affected, she was frantic. I listened to her fears of losing her house, not being able to support her kids, not having enough time or energy to manage all the care she knew would be coming. Distraught she asked me, “what do you think I should do?” To which I replied, “You have your house today. You have your job today. You have your family together today. You can start by going out on your deck with your husband and watching the sunset together. The rest will work itself out, and you have people who will help you. Take the time now to make memories because every day is precious.”
As it turned out, my friend kept her job and although she did eventually lose her husband, she and her daughters had made a point to carve out as much family time as possible. Friends and extended family have helped ease the transition into life without him, and she called the other day to thank me for the advice. Although she had experienced periods of panic throughout his decline in health, she always managed to steer herself back into the present. She would remind herself by saying “I don’t need to do that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow.” She still tries to live by those words, and so do I.
When you find yourself regretting what could have been, or fretting about what might be coming, try to focus on what or who is in front of you. Taste and savor your food; stop and smell the roses; listen to the wind; look up at the moon and stars; feel the ground beneath your feet. Talk to your friend, listen to your mother, chat with only one person at a time online. Stay present, live in the moment. If it’s a good moment, enjoy it! If it’s a bad moment, it will pass.
Today’s the Day! Why not give yourself three weeks to make this mantra a habit and see what you’ve been missing! Those who have tried it, including myself, have found their burdens get a little lighter. What have you got to lose?