My Facebook page over the last couple of days has been full of reaction to the Supreme Court’s Legalization of Gay Marriage. I have friends who are both liberal and conservative, religious and non-religious, so I’ve had a good cross-section of material expressing positivity and negativity to the ruling. I am not about to venture into the political realm, but some of the comments got me thinking about how I could see the world through perspectives other than my own. There is a saying “People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole shaped”. Our realities are shaped by our own unique views, which are developed through our culture, upbringing, daily norms and societal influences.
Just living our everyday life highlights the differences in how we see the world and our expectations from it. I never thought about it much until as a child I was invited to visit a girl from my elementary school. She was constantly complaining of being bored at home, never having anything to do, so I was shocked to see the enormity of her house and the vast number of toys she had. I saw endless possibilities for a lifetime of play and I simply couldn’t believe she would be bored with all those toys. I remember feeling sorry for her because in my reality she was the luckiest girl on the planet, but in her reality she was bored and lonely. I couldn’t believe she didn’t see what I did, and it stuck with me. I found out years later that her parents had received a substantial inheritance when she was a baby, so she had come to expect a new toy every few days whereas I was conditioned to wait for Christmas and birthdays. I was able to understand why she felt the way she did. We had different perspectives.
In college I saw a movie with a friend one evening and had a very difficult time sitting through it. To me, it was an endless parade of juvenile jokes with very little plot, but to her it was one of the funniest things she had ever seen. We went out for coffee afterward and as she rattled on about what she thought were the best scenes, re-playing all of her favorite moments, I began to wonder if we had actually seen the same movie. Of course I knew that we did, but I was amazed at how different our impressions had been. She was raised with five brothers, so bodily noises and fart jokes were a part of her normal living routine. To her, the movie was a reminder of many happy times growing up. To me, it was a ridiculous display of vulgarity and 90 minutes of my life that I wouldn’t get back. It’s all about perspective.
At a reunion with friends a few years ago, we got to talking about a trip we had taken together one summer. I mentioned it was one of the best times I ever had, while another said it was the most horrific experience she had ever lived through. I have to admit there was one leg of the trip that was a little dicey, but overall I thought we had seen and done some amazing things. This friend, however, condensed the entire trip into one overnight stay in a motel that I’m pretty sure most of the guests paid for by the hour. We had arrived late in the evening. The woman behind the front desk had the demeanor of a jail warden and the “guests” milling about were in varying states of dress and consciousness. If there had been other accommodations nearby, we would have bolted in a heartbeat. However, we were tired, and there didn’t seem to be any other options for many miles. I got lucky and snagged a room with a working light bulb outside our door. My roommate was less than thrilled to note the bullet hole in the wall next to the bathroom, but I tried to make light of it. The whole situation seemed completely absurd and laughable by that point. Our other two travelling companions had a room located in a dark courtyard and someone had tried to break in during the night, but fortunately their lock worked. When we convened in the morning, we were joined by a rather large rat and a scruffy looking pill pusher who escorted us back to the office to check out. I viewed the night as something we would look back on and laugh about. My friend was so traumatized that she remembers nothing good about the whole trip and refuses to this day to stay in a hotel that does not have a 4 or 5 Star rating. Talk about two completely different perspectives!
I reference these less-than-newsworthy experiences because the way we individually see things, process them through our personal filters, and relate to one another is in play on a daily basis. We accept these differences in each other all the time and yet news stories such as the gay marriage ruling, racism in America, assumptions about the state of our police force, the right to own guns, immigration issues, etc. are being used as a way to judge and berate those who see things differently than we do. I am all for a healthy public debate or sharing of opinions but am beginning to wonder what has happened to civility in this age of technological anonymity. I am appalled at the name-calling and bullying that has come along with the various current event postings. I have personally disagreed with some of the messages being put forth but am still respectful of the person posting the message. How can we learn to understand and relate to each other if we don’t give others the chance to express themselves without fear of being attacked? I’ve found dialogue and the exchanging of differing views to be a way to discover who people are and why/how they have come to their beliefs. Sometimes I change my mind about my personal views, sometimes I change my mind about the person I am conversing with, sometimes I simply agree to disagree. If something truly offends me, I’ll speak my mind and stand for what I believe to be right, but will not stand in judgment of the person with whom I disagree. Their views and opinions were shaped differently than mine were, and it seems we as a society should be able to accept, or at least respectably tolerate, opinions that may be unlike our own.
I hope collectively, as we move forward, our differing perspectives can build bridges with tolerance and understanding rather than chasms with judgments and finger pointing.
Loving people live in a Loving world. Hostile people live in a Hostile world. Same world. –Wayne W. Dyer